Dead Battery

This past weekend I found myself following, with overwhelming interest, a Facebook post from podcast host, Modern Superior celebrity and Halloween aficionado Dan Gorman. He had posted one of the countless number of articles written to debate the virtues and veracity of Halloween treats, ranking them from worst to best.

What followed was a cacophony of comments that ran the gamut of… “I sorta disagree that 3 Musketeers didn’t rank higher :)” to “NO MARS BARS? I’M GONNA BURN DOWN A CHURCH!”

Not one to be left out in the cold, figurative pillowcase in hand, I’ve taken the liberty of generating my own definitive list of the world’s top Halloween treats.

This list is indisputable. I’ve spared no expense, funneling years of research and countless scientific articles into its creation. It can be considered the final word. The discussion has been had, but this is the decision. Feel free to send others this link and renounce all imposters.

Given that my initial findings ranked some 582 items, far too much for the casual pages of the Modern Superior website, I’ve abridged the list considerably. What follows is the three top and three bottom treats to hand out on Halloween. Pay heed, lest you be ostracized from your community and have your bushes expeditiously TP’ed.

Comments are welcome but will be summarily ignored.

THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL (THE WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS OF ALL TIME)

#582 – Hard Toffee

This is not your run-of-the-mill hard toffee. This is Halloween hard toffee. This is toffee so hard that you’d feel it’s done prison time.

It comes in a festive Halloween wrapper, coloured orange, black and white, with depictions of witches and ghosts and black cats. It’s always been this way. The wrappers, in future years, will be placed around nuclear disposal sites so that when the all known language burns out and dies we will keep humanity from digging up radioactive horrors by sheer inherent feel for this iconography.

This is how ingrained the horrors of this “candy” is and will continue to be in the collective subconscious. It will save us from ourselves.

 #581 – Gum
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Individually wrapped gumballs should be a thing of joy, and under any other circumstances they are.

However, this is Halloween, as the old song goes, and we don’t have room for your gum.

The reason? Timing.

Halloween candy is a game of scarfing. Individually wrapped candies are meant to be unwrapped and consumed in sudden, sugary… often angry… bursts.

Gum is a waiting game. To pop one in your mouth means a break in the action. You surrender to the hourglass as you chew and ultimately discard the bounty. Simply put, you can not impulsively scarf down multiple rows of Rockets (or Smarties for our American friends) when you’re working away on gum.

So why not leave the gum to the end? The finish line, if you will, of the Halloween booty?

Pure, unadulterated lunacy.

Ignoring for a fact that you ALWAYS save the best, most extravagant loot for last, as is Halloween tradition since time immemorial, individually wrapped gumballs have an expiration date that renders them inedible. Bite into a gumball as late as November 3rd and you’ll be treated to a mouth full of dry powder. It’s as though the gumball was a vampire and your teeth the first rays of morning light.

Spooky, yes. And that’s why it was not last on this list.

 #580 – Farts
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See if this scenario sounds familiar:

 “Trick or Treat!”

“Who’s there?”

“R2D2, the cast of Friends and the Wolfman…”

[FART]

Farting in the face of trick or treaters (or “turning the tables”) is a poor man’s horror prank. Nobody wants a fart in their treat receptacle when they’re dressed in fancy masquerade. This is why we carry flashlights and reflective clothing, to ward off the evil demons that would commit such pranks.  While it is true that “Turning the Tables” is what started the tradition of egging, it is safe to say some traditions are better left to the history books.

 [As previously mentioned, this is an abridged list. For the list in it’s entirety, please come to my door on Halloween, where I will be giving away signed copies (which is, in fact, ranked #36.)]

THE TOP EVER UNDISPUTED HALLOWEEN TREATS (OF ALL TIME)

#3 – Ghost Farts
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If you recall some 580 items ago I called “Farts” one of the worst treats you could get. So then how could I, in good conscious, dedicate the bronze level treat to that of Ghost Farts, the ghastliest of toots?

Because it’s Halloween, and it’s scary and you should be so lucky to receive one of these ghoulish gusts on All Hallow’s Eve.

In the words of my father, “It’s good for you. It’ll put hair on your chest.”

 #2 – Auto Club Memberships
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Let’s be frank. Nobody ever really WANTS to join an auto club. You do so because it’s practical and responsible. Nobody wants to be stuck in the woods with engine trouble, only to have the car suddenly spring back to life, the discovery of a hook on the passenger side door handle when you get to your destination.

Also, nobody wants to pony up the money to join what is, essentially, insurance to convenience.

So what better than to open your sack after a night of tricks and treats than to find a membership to an exclusive club that provides you not only protection from faulty batteries and flat tires, but offers you discounts on hotels, movie tickets and frozen yogurt? That’s right. You don’t need an automobile to enjoy this perk. You simply need an open mind, some wallet space and the ability to appreciate 10% off appetizers at East Side Mario’s.

Almost nothing is better. Almost.

#1 – Cash Money
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The finest treat, whether it’s in your plastic pumpkin or a weirdly timed card from Grandma.

While a good number of you are screaming “cop out” I think your haste many be your undoing.

Let’s not forget that our taste in treats, just as our taste in music, is a highly subjective house of cards that is susceptible to the influences of not only taste buds and tummy tingles, but to merry moods and their matching memories.

So is there a finer gift than the gift of cash? For the day AFTER Halloween? When all the candy is on sale? When you can get an entire bag of your favourite confectionary for one-eighth of the price? Instead of settling for whims of your neighbours shopping habits?

Seriously, why is this not a thing?!?

You have to remember that Halloween night is basically socially-prescribed, faux robbery,  so why not make the most of it? You wear a mask and, if I had my way, you’d collect cold, hard cash. I mean… it’s not like we even celebrate Halloween on the day anyway… not as adults… It’s always a few days before. So why not get children to wait until the day after to reap the fruits? Teaches kids patience and stuff…

Anyway… I think we can all agree that this was $40 Million in research dollars well spent.

Happy Halloween.